Just Because...: Sometimes You Just Want to Take it All Back...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Sometimes You Just Want to Take it All Back...

Have you ever hear the lyrics to a song, I mean REALLY heard the lyrics and it releases a dam of emotions? I finally listened to the lyrics to Christina Aguilera's track, "Hurt" and it struck a chord. A chord that I thought was buried so deep that it would never surface.

There isn't a day that I don't think of my dear friend Nick, even for a brief second. When he died, it felt like I lost a part of myself. I've been so caught up in the bullshit of late, it dawned on me tonight that Nick will have been gone 8 years in November. 8 years of wanting to tell him "I'm sorry". 8 years of regret. 8 years of knowing that I should always trust my instinct. 8 years of regretting choosing believing Mark over him since I wanted so badly for things to stay on an even keel. 8 years of continuing a fight that should have never happened, just because I'm a bitch sometimes.

I'm not a fan of the coulda, shoulda, wouldas but in thinking about what would one do if they had one more day with someone they lost, I think I would just want some time to tell him I'm sorry and that I love him. I never had to make any apologies or try to be something i wasn't with Nick. I could be a moody little bitch and he would just roll his eyes and tell me to get over it. He could be candid with me and I loved him for it. He drove me to learn things about myself I didn't know were there and pushed me out of my shell. He taught me to be strong and not put up with crap like when Mark threw me through a window. Unfortunately it took me 2 more years to tell Mark where to go. It took Nick's death to show me that I was in a situation that was beyond horrid and I needed an escape hatch.

I think if I knew then what I know now, I'd have done things a lot differently. I've learned that I can survive, but there are times that something would happen that he would appreciate and I would just want to call him. Or when I want to play pool - that he would let me win, reluctantly of course, while grinning like a mad devil.

Nick was a part of me that I can never explain. My life has changed sooooo drastically from back then. I've gotten out of the hellacious relationship. I've changed my life around and gotten stronger. I've lost over 70 lbs and finally discovered the real *me*. I've learned that while I can be stubborn, I won't hold a grudge as long as I used to - it's not worth a lifetime of regret. That doesn't mean I'm a pushover, I just will address the problems facing me and work out a resolution. I've learned to choose my friends wisely. I've learned to listen to my instinct, because that never lies.

I'm sure tomorrow will be back to the frou/frou regular programming, but tonight, I really wanted to let go. Let go of the pain, the hurt, the regret and while I know I will never have a time machine, I know that he is looking down watching over all of us with that smirk of his, shaking his head and laughing. I'm sure he knows how much we all love and miss him and how blessed we were for having him in our lives, even if it was for a brief moment. And, like he told me once "Hold out for the brass ring, Ly because it is RIGHT there".

HURT - Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Labels: Memories, Random Mess

Posted by Lys :: 10:23 PM :: 0 comments

This Page

Just Because...

Thursday, October 12, 2006