Just Because...: Priorities...

Monday, November 13, 2006

Priorities...

I've made the decision that, if work allows, I'm going to try to head home for a few days R&R. My grandmother is not doing well and, as my mother so pointedly mentioned in a family email, I must set priorities. Problem is, work doesn't always allow for priorities - nor does bills, expenses, etc. It's not cheap to fly home, especially at the holidays for 4 days of guilt fests galore, issues of "Why do you talk to your father more than me" or "Why are you going to see so and so" or the normal family question of "Why don't you just settle down?". The last time she pulled that crap, she followed with telling me that she gave my phone number to some guy in her INTERNET BIBLE STUDY. Yes - you heard me right - my mother doesn't even know the wackjob but because he's in her bible study, well then - that's perfectly fine in her book. Notsofine in my book, however - I told y'all. I'm picky and for good reason.

I've done a lot of reflection lately concerning patterns, friendships and interactions with other people in my life. After a lot of thought, a couple weeks ago I made a solid commitment to myself that I was going to scale down on various people/negativity that I want no part of and that includes some exes & old friends. While it's been a bit weird, I think its for the best. There are a few who know my door is always open but, for a couple of the people from the past, Godspeed and good luck. I just don't want to get involved with that stuff.

However, I cannot do the same with my mother because family is not part of that deal - I know it sounds rotten to say but those who know my mom can understand how I feel that way. I'm torn between the drama and stuff that are still simmering from the divorce (20 + years ago but she still flips out if my dad dates OR if I don't pay her enough attention.) Fact is - she doesn't deserve half of that because you can't come back and say "Oh - let me play a "mom role" now because when I was 12 - 20, she wasn't really a mom but an irrational drunken mess and my dad had to step up. I've told her this before but she is of the impression that if she doesn't acknowledge the past, it never happened and she can rewrite all previous history to her liking. Her friends sit there and act like she's supermom of the year (and it takes the UTMOST strength to not giggle and just respond "Uh huh" because I would rather avoid the drama than bring up the same crap over and over again). What I didn't like was the guilt-trippy email I got from her addressed to me and my stepbrother & stepsister. Not to mention, she told my stepbrother that he could bring his fiancee as an afterthought. Tony's a good egg - he couldn't really care less, but she sucks up to my stepsister who, much like my mom, is nuttier than a fruitcake at times. That's a whole entry in itself. My stepbrother finally found a woman he adores and my mom detests her because she had a child from a previous relationship as does my stepsister. Again - see my point? Fruitcake people - fruitcake.

Anywayz - before I get all whiny on this post - the original point of my rant is that I am going to try to go home and visit. But, be warned - I will need a couple nights out to get my head straight and I think a night of cocktails is in order (Bec/Meowmix?). I'll allot my mom a day and a half, but staying with her is going to emotionally drain me beyond belief. My question is, am I ready to handle dealing with that again or will it drive me over the edge.

Posted by Lys :: 6:15 PM :: 0 comments

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Just Because...

Monday, November 13, 2006