Just Because...: Forgiveness is Not Needed...

Friday, March 02, 2007

Forgiveness is Not Needed...

Well, it's a multi-post day, but there's a lot goin' on in this head of mine....

First of all - this weekend is nothin' but smooth shoppin' for this gal. I got one of my expense checks in and, after putting a bit in the bank, I'm also going to go searching for a few things for the house. It's my first full weekend uninterrupted by work, etc. and I plan on enjoying it. I'd enjoy it better with my Global knives but they won't come in until the 10th. *sigh*

Now - on the homefront... I'd like to say things are moving smoothly with my family, but my mother insisted on playing the drama card this week sending me an email "forgiving me" for the drama on Thanksgiving weekend. Wait a minute - did I read that right - FORGIVING ME? If I remember correctly (and I am pretty sure that I do).. when one makes allegations about my dad and his side of the family, I'm going to double-check my sources and make my decision accordingly. Since I told her "no contact", she's intent on emailing me, sending me nasty letters to my house (hello Mr. Shredder), to my job (one of my close friends at work has now offered to open my mail if it comes from her), and just basically won't give me time to deal. I didn't want to hash it out on the blog but, since she is reading it - perhaps now she can get a clue.

The fact is - forgiveness is not needed. Forgive me for putting everything on the blog and standing by my words - I don't think so. It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. And, I don't think she can "forgive me" for her leaving me and my father since I was only 6 months old at the time.

For the record - she chose to leave me for 6 months (not 3 days as she first alleged - now changed to 1 month as her email of yesterday alleged) to run off with the guy she was messing with behind my dad's back. The court gave custody to my dad due to her repeated threats of taking me away from my family, never to see me again. My dad reacted the legal way and his lawyers filed papers with the court, during which she still chose to leave with her boyfriend and the court gave him custody. Before she even tries to allege a J.R. Ewing scenario with my grandfather or my dad co-ercing a judge - bullshit! Fact is fact - and the judge made his decision accordingly on the face of the situation.

For two years, I lived with my father and my grandparents and that explains why I'm so close to his side of the family. So - to answer her question - yes I am entitled and WILL review the court file. Knowing a bit about the legal system, the court will not take custody of a child away from its mother unless there is a damn good reason - especially in 1972/73. She wound up living with us again through my high school graduation and of course this entire debacle wasn't disclosed until I was 35. Fun Fun Fun. But during those years, she did her dirt and memories have been flooding back over and over and over again. Basically - the first 2 years of my life were kinda tumultuous at best and it is a classic case for therapy as to why things just are never kosher between me and her. JZ termed it the nature/nurture effect where a mother forms a bond with her child the first years of a child's life. By her actions, I was deprived of that. Oh well - a gal can punt.

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship and I always felt the need for her approval and seriously, until she fixes what's goin' on with her, our relationship will never be a-ok. I accept that and am in the process of moving on. Will my children be subject to her drama - highly doubtful unless they ask me to get to know her. I just don't feel like putting my friends and family into that mess. One of her venom-filled comments on Thanksgiving was "I see the hardness of your grandmother but the softness of your grandfather in you". Damn right there is and I'm proud of my family history. I'm Irish through and through - I'll be hard when needed but those close to me know that I am very loyal and loving to my friends and family - unless they do wrong by me. I don't see a problem with that. I don't have to forgive people for what they do - I just think twice about what's going on and remember that for next time. I try to not harbor grudges, however, I am a guarded person - that's just me. Do I need to apologize for that - no. Do I need to be forgiven for that - no again.

She's made allegations of my "addiction to shopping" - ummm. that's no secret - however I do not spend what I DON'T have and wouldn't call it an addiction unless it's laughingly. Her shopping, however, drove my dad near bankruptcy. Needless to say - I've spent too much time dealing on her drama and honestly - I'm so over all of it. What it did was force my hand and with that, I've made the decision to cut all future contact with her. Is it harsh. Yes. However, I need to break the cycle of abuse before it gets put on those that I love and care about. For her to say she learned it from my father was laughable at best. Whatever.

Hopefully this is the last time I'll air this ugly mess on here, but I know she's got her family of the man she married and his kids and that's fine. She's deemed them "[her] family" and that's good. I can rest easy with that. However, she just won't have my audience or my father's side to even deal with any more and I can also rest easy with that.

Ok - I'm done with my rant now - where were we.. oh yeah - shopping ;)

Labels: Random Mess

Posted by Lys :: 5:33 PM :: 0 comments

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Just Because...

Friday, March 02, 2007