Just Because...: A Tale of a Traveler...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Tale of a Traveler...

Now that I'm sated with a quasi-decent Cheesesteak and an ice coffee, my brain is slowly thawing. Today, I made the mistake of overestimating how prepared I was, causing me to scurry around the house looking for "the" pair of boots to go with my snazzy outfit. Three pairs into it and realizing that each pair had its drawbacks (too squeaky, too pinchy, too difficult to get through the airport screening), I had to keep going back to the drawing board. I finally settled on a pair of boots I wear often for work and are appropriately broken in and don't have nails showing in the heel from over-wearing. Looking Fabulous - Check.

I also was cleaning the house and preparing Shadow's self feeder so she could be her little independent self while I'm away for a few days, all the while hiding cookies and catnip treats for her to discover. (Yeah - chalk that up to "Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome"). My friend who normally keeps an eye on her is pregnant and, after much discussions with my father and friends, I was told that Shadow could handle herself. She has an automatic waterer, she has dry food in a self feeder, and she has a new pop up dish feeder that will feed her the Whiskas wet food at her normal dinner time - plus I fed her wet food this morning and tonight. But still, in the interest of not having her smother me in my sleep when I return Sunday afternoon - I'd like to live. Hence my refreshing of her toys with her kitty crack and the cookie scavenger hunt that awaits her this weekend.

And, yes, I got distracted by Google Reader and dishes, and a couple other things - and I overslept. So, I left the house 2.5 hours before my flight instead of the requisite 3.5 that I had allotted. Oh well. I'll survive, right? Ummm.. wrong. So here are a few things that basically drove me batty today during my travels. A bit of the chaos if you will.

Upon getting into car, see that the gas tank is on "E": "Do I really, I mean REALLY, need to get gas - c'mon - the airport is 20 minutes away - if that. There should be enough", I think. [I stopped and got gas, don't worry. It told me I had 49 miles left to go - set me back 10 minutes, but whatevs.]
Upon getting caught in traffic on 436/Semoran Blvd I howl: "Don't people fuggin' work? It's 3:00 in the afternoon - get off my road."
Why is it that I was incited into fits of road rage by the elderly lady patrol? Every time I went to pass this car, this mean biddy had to speed up and then cut in front of me and slow down. Either Granny wants a new car or she's gonna mess with the wrong person one day. If only she actually FOLLOWED the traffic flow, she'd be fine. Keep in mind that after Angry Granny - there were three other elderly lady drivers also driving me bat**** crazy. And if you rode in a car with me - rarely does traffic piss me off. You can't control traffic. Today, however, I wanted a magic wand ala Harry Potter.
In the midst of traffic, I check the flight schedules - dangnabit - plane is on time. Wonder if they'll let me change the flight. See that the next flight is not a direct flight - it's through ATL. Ummm.. yeah, no. Pedal to the metal.
Get to the airport and parked in the airport parking - not the cheap lot. Yes, I have to pay the premium at $17 per day, but considering the convenience factor over the $10 per day charge from the self park long term lot - yeah, not today. I'll take the costly route. Thank god I got my Ebates check - that about covered the overage.
Get to the airline counter for baggage check with 3 minutes to spare. It would have been sooner had some customer service wench actually paid attention when I went to ask her a question. Instead she ignored me and got all bored, cranky and was just horrid. Finally, after customers were getting irate and she finalized realized "Crap - I gotta work," all of a sudden she pulls the "you can't get your bags on your flight". Wench - the flight's at 5:05, it's 4:17 - I have til 4:20. Bite me.
Customer service trainer sees me fuming and then looks at my reservation. Offers to upgrade me for $60.00. I told him to look again at my reservation. He looks quickly and tells me "Oh sorry, Ms. Lys - talk to the girls at the gate -they will upgrade you to business class" and got all apologetic. I left him with his intestines intact, don't worry.
As I encounter the security line that is beyond crazy long, I think "Why the hell do people come to Orlando and then fly home with those nasty oranges? I bet he bought it off of OBT - they have nasty fruit. Those poor people are gonna have little critters". I then caught myself and tried to be nice because I really was tempted to pull them aside. Perhaps it was because he was drinking Orange Juice that looked like it had vodka and I was jealous - either way. Trust me when I say: Never buy oranges in Orlando from a tourist place - you know the ones with the "special" bags. You are going to have more than just you returning from Orlando.
Upon arriving to the security guard/gatekeeper of the TSA Anal Probe Department, he was all up in my id and boarding pass. I wanted to say, "Yes, it's me -and no you can't come over for dinner". Creepy - it was like he was memorizing the address *mental note, call ADT*
Get through the TSA anal probe reps with minimal hassle, until one of them tells me "Why are you not smiling?". DOH - I'm thinking "Cuz I might miss my flight and am not up for chit chat??" but I force a smile and tell him I might be late. He tells me I have PLENTY of time and to smile more often - life's too short. Somehow that kinda calms me. Plus - I'm not gonna get cranky with an elderly gentleman.
As I get to the gate, my zone has already boarded. Hell they are on Zone 4 and I was in Zone 1. Shit they are boarding early - they were supposed to board at 4:40 - it's 4:35. They are speedier than a cartoon mouse. I sigh, go talk to the boarding girl and I hear "Ooops, I'm sorry Ms. Lys - I've been selling the upgrades. Can you wait til the end because one person hasn't checked in and you can have their seat". What am I gonna do - say no? She was doing her job.
I wait - turns out we know some of the same people; someone comes up and asks me about my 9to5, the gate gal, Susan tells him about the wench from earlier and turns out that he's her boss. As he told me "She's missing brain cells. It's not like it takes much thought for her job and she doesn't do it too well, obviously". Pretty harsh words from that boss - somehow I don't think she's gonna have a fun evening.
Poof - much thanks to Susan and Mr. Someone and your gal is in Seat 1F.
Seat 1F doesn't have a pocket. Seat 1F doesn't let me put my bag under my seat. I'm seated next to Tim, an airline employee who isn't so hip to me getting the next seat. Whatever, buddy - I paid for my ticket. You are just flying to your route for tomorrow. Let's be seatmates and part ways amicably, okay?
Jerry - the ever lovable steward starts to ply me with multiple diet cokes. Loves him! He even gallantly endured a hernia putting my big carry on (this laptop is not light people!) in an overhead bin for me. Loves him!
Jerry brings me Milano cookies. Have I told you I loves him? Because I loves him!
We take off and, as I look out the window, grinnin' like a banshee at me is Mr. Someone. He's a boss - he shouldn't be on the ground - what the ????? I wonder "First the security guard and now this - do I have spinach in my teeth or something???" then I remember he knows where I work. *really make mental note to call ADT*
My iPod didn't work so well and I don't think Tim appreciated my iPod playing George Lamond "Don't Stop Believing" (yes George redid the Journey track and it is hot hot hot!)
I really got the message loud and clear when I inadvertently giggled while reading Jen Lancaster's book "Bright Lights Big Ass" [again] and Tim promptly put on his Bose Noise Cancelling headphones.
Tim also was playing games on his cell phone - how do you turn the cell part off and leave the rest operational? I would have asked him but I don't think he would have appreciated the intrusion into his silent space.
As we are flying through ~~space~~ DC (I think) I look out the window and I see friggin' snow wizzing past. SNOW?!??!?!?!!?! WHAT THE HELL? It was like a meteor shower up there - it was all zippin' past so quick I'm thinking "Oh crap!" and trying to recount what they told us during the safety training.
Hit Philly and I'm cold as the AC was on through the whole trip. As we're getting ready to land, I wonder "What do pilots do if there is black ice on the ground? Where's the exits? What if we skid?" and my mind starts racing. I should have taken a free cocktail from Jerry.
Phew - safe landing - no ice - no skidding. Your gal has arrived and I won't even go talk to the pilot. The pilot rocked. So did Jerry!
Tim gave me a pass to get my bag - however two cranky lawyer types were hogging up the row. I made my displeasure known. They moved quickly and I got my bag. Yes, it's official - I'm home, as evidenced by the return of the bitchy side.
I departed the plane realizing two very important lessons: (1) It's the Arctic up here - I'm frozen and (2) Under no circumstances, one should never wear stiletto ankle granny boots that lace up. I don't care how comfy they are when I wear them to work - they hurt like a bitch now and I couldn't take them off because it would have disturbed Tim.
I could have, however, taken them off and used them to silence the cranky lawyer types (unless they like that sort of thing - ewwwww)
Grab my bags all while cursing the shoe choice as the laces would come undone at every turn (I had to finally do a double bow - I felt like I was 5).
Oh and the Ladies Room - only in Philly will you find a bathroom attendant NOT attending the bathroom - that place was a hot mess - she just was very "ugh" about it. Must be nice.
As I'm departing the airport, I'm hindered by a woman who is blocking anyone from LEAVING the airport. Rising from the ashes, the bitchy side made its presence known. She would go from side to side and wouldn't let anyone past her - she was rattling in her cell phone. So, after a few polite "excuse mes", finally I told her funky butt to move out the way. Yeah, my 'tude has returned. Oh how I missed it.
Karma bites me in the ass though. My Hertz bus wouldn't pick me up. I swear I felt like a hooker on a corner waitin' for a ride as bus after yellow bus rode past me. Maybe I shouldn't have told that woman to move out the way?
Waiting for a rental car shuttle at the Philadelphia airport is like teasing a boy. You can't be too aloof or you will miss your bus. You can't be too close to the sign as you might send the wrong signal to Enterprise Rent A Car, Avis or one of those. Not to mention, I saw more of them then I saw of the Yellow Bus. I felt like a school girl leading the boys on or something. I am a one car rental gal - Hertz all the way. Sorry boys!
[Insert Cold Case Theme Here]. While waiting for the big yellow bus, suddenly I feel like I'm being watched. I whip around and see a "character" loitering in back of me. Oh hell no, I don't play that mess. I make eye contact, mean mug his azz and he slowly starts to move on. Don't let the blond hair fool you - I can kick a guy's ass with my boots and make him cry to his momma. Of course I was uber-brave because I had two Philly beat cops in the window watchin' his ass as well. He didn't see them - I did. They followed him as he kept strollin' down the way.
Finally, Hertz finally took pity on my frozen behind and picked me up. What is it about me that makes one sit in astonishment when I reply that I'm a Gold Club member? She would automatically assume the men were Gold Club Members but not me. She asked me if I was "standard". Ummm.. nope. Perk of the job and USAA. I loves Hertz!
Again Karma bit my butt. My car was ready but I'm not stylin' like cool publicist. I'm stylin' with a big honkin' station wagon. If that's my courtesy upgrade, where can I just get my Toyota Corolla? A Mazda Sportswhatever is NOT my style. It has now been dubbed the "mommamobile". [sorry if anyone has that car - it's totally my opinion, just not my style. sorry!]
Thinking evil driving thoughts again, I missed my exit to Olde City (Independence Hall, etc.) where my hotel is. You know what that means - whenever I miss my exits and I get lost, which I invariably do during every trip here and I've been coming to Philly for 20+ years, it means I drive all the way up to Northeast Philly, get to familiar territory (by EJ and Suz's homes) and flip around. It's what I do.
On I drive back and go "Hmmmmm coffeee" and think "Olde City - nothing will be open around there tonight". I need familiar ground. Olde City/Center City is NOT familiar ground - too many one way streets.
Over the Ben Washington bridge to New Jersey I go - only to remember AFTER the fact - you can't turn left from the left lane - you can only turn from the RIGHT lane and flip around. DOH! Gotta love New Jersey. But, on the flip side, gas is $2.91 here!
After doing the correct flip around, I encounter full out crime scene. Yup - I'm home. Couldn't see if the cop was cute - oh well.
Not only does my favorite mall, the Cherry Hill Mall have new stores, it added a Crate & Barrel AND the Container Store - WHEEEEEEEE! Guess where I'll be tomorrow (in flats, no less - not wearing those damn torture boots!)
Finally, I find the Dunkin Donuts where I was first introduced to the Coolatta years ago, get coffee, get to hotel and now I'm sitting here on the free wi-fi doing my NahBlahBlah entry to be posted for Thursday while I await Reese's arrival.

I told ya - it was chaos today... I think wine is needed, just not tonight...

Labels: Blog 365, Random Mess, Travel

Posted by Lys :: 12:06 AM :: 2 comments

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Just Because...

Thursday, February 28, 2008