Just Because...: Lessons from The Linen/Velvet Rope

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Lessons from The Linen/Velvet Rope

So last night, I had to work an event for my publisher and, while I rarely ever work a door and just handle PR for the event and pulling in the Press/Celebs, I decided to work the door and help out... My gal F. also helped and, can I tell you, by the end of the night, those lovely 4" platform Steve Maddens that I adored and HAD to have... I'm convinced that they were made by Satan. It was a fabulous event and a great turn out, however, I'm sure for the next event it will go smoother. Meowmix and my other friends who have seen me in action will more than likely get a kick outta this list. Grab that coffee - its a doozy.

Some interesting observations from the "non-velvet" rope:

Do not, under any circumstances, tell the gal with the clipboard (Moi), "I'm on the list, check again". I checked already and cross referenced. Your name is not there.
When the person asks the gal with the clipboard, "Well WHO are you", she might catch you off guard (like moi) and respond, "I'm the Door Biatche and your name is NOT on the list"
When your name isn't there, don't try to make like you are all that in front of your girl like I'm the Bimbo, grab your cell, call the publisher, gesture loudly and complain that I won't let you in. Unless he comes down there to waive your azz in, my "NO" still stands. (And, for the record, he RARELY came downstairs in support of one of those idiots - when he did come down, its because his crew didn't give me your name).
When you are told the guest list closes at 12, DO NOT show up at 12:30/12:45 and try to tell moi, "I'm gonna call so and so". Go right ahead cuz I'm also saying "List closed at 12:00, boy you need to pay".
DO NOT, and I mean DO NOT think that when the "girlz" are a tad droopy dog (and I know I shouldn't talk), wear a dress like this or this and think that you look classy. Honey, that's just cheap. Oprah DOES say that support is your friend.
Also, showing ALL the goods is never a good idea. Why not leave a little somethin' somethin' to the imagination. I'm just sayin'.
Do not get me the list at 7:00 and then let your people keep sending me names up until 9:00. I had to redo the list again, and again, and again because, of course, the Door Biatche MUST have an alphabetized list. Makes MY life easier when I tell you, "No - you aren't on the list".
Do not come downstairs and tell the Door Biatche, "Oh - I got a couple more names". ARG! That will cost you a glass of wine for each name if you keep it up.
If a casting director tells you to be there at 9:30 for a modeling shoot - DO not show up with your man who thinks he's Brad Pitt (more like Joe Pitt) at 11:00 and try to tell me, "I'm with Such and Such Agency". So what. You were told to be here at 9:30 - do you want me to roll out a pink azz carpet and waive the regulations. The Door Biatche says "You're Late - you have to pay cover". Then, when Joe Pitt gets indiginant and remarks, "She's a model". So what - I've got 40 models milling about upstairs and, guess what, they showed up ON TIME. Obviously this chick's modeling call meant nothing to her or she thought she was Cindy Crawford. Punctuality shows professionalism.
DO NOT tell the Door Biatche when asked for your name that your with "So and So Company" or "So and So Records". When Door Biatche again asks, "Last name please" I mean LAST NAME. I don't HAVE you under a company. Not only that, I could care less what company you are with - That matters to my publisher, not to me. To quote Chris Tucker, "Do you understand the words comin' out my mouth - LAST NAME!"
If you still don't understand me when I said Last Name and hand me your dumb azz business card like I'm supposed to READ the name and you're actin' like the cat got your damn tongue, don't get offended when I toss the card on the podium with the other cards from others before you tryin' the same crap and say, "Last Name, Please". Not only that - please get your cards somewhere other than VistaPrint or on higher quality stock. Professionalism is everything.
And if you are with some independent label, good for you and kudos for promoting music, but, reality check - you still aren't Sony, BMG, Warner Brothers or Universal nor have a distribution deal with the big 5. No need to have an entourage all wanting VIP and comps. The girl inside can handle your covercharge - pay at the door. You DO have expense account, right. OHHH.. that's right... Well then tell the hangers on to come out the pocket. Don't have them look to you like you are large and in charge. Tough love - you need to tell them that life in entertainment is not a free ride. They'll learn.
DO NOT suck your teeth in at me when I ask you your name like its a huge inconvenience, when YOU approach me going, "I'm on da list". 1) Lose the attitude. 2) Realize that I am armed with a clipboard and 3) One false move by your attitude havin' ass, your weave will be ripped out of your head and security will scoop you up and set you on the damn street corner. OBT is that way sweetie.
DO NOT approach the Door Biatche talkin' on your cell phone like you are Paris Hilton, and stick your finger in my face tellin' me to shush when I'm asking "Last Name". Not only that, don't try to step around me. My azz will block you and I will trip you if you even TRY to cross that threshold. NAME!
DO NOT get all pissy when I recognize a true VIP and bring them into the club before you. Didn't you see Studio 54? Many of those people paid a fortune for tables & bottles and are VIP.
DO NOT get into the wrong line when instructed. There is a line for VIP and a line for RSVP. Don't get it twisted.
DO NOT get pissy with moi when you are in the WRONG line cuz you don't seem to listen. RSVP is not VIP. Got it?
DO NOT get the Door Biatche your list at 11:00 at night sent to your assistant via blackberry with over 50 people on VIP, many with +6/+5. This is in addition to the other 30 which you submitted earlier (many with just first names, street monikers or "So and so from Chucky Cheese"). Here's my question for the +6 and +5 people who are so "VIP". Who the hell are THESE people to be rollin' entourage style IN ORLANDO??
DO NOT (and this is to one of the dumb azz promoters who did the above) leave your poor assistant standing at the door with moi at 12:35, FINALLY roll up at 1:00 actin' like Big Willie with YOUR OWN ENTOURAGE, tell the Door Biatche who was supposed to be done at 12:00 that I'm workin' until 2 cuz you have more people coming and have the audacity to say, "I'll Pay You Whatever your Rate Is". Boy you can't AFFORD my rate!
DO NOT tell your assistant to tell me that all these people are buying "Bottles" or "this is how its handled in LA & NY". DOH - I've done and attended events in those areas and, guess what, the good events are NEVER like that. OH - wait - in your Orlando mind it is. Damn DumbAzz Promoter.
DO NOT piss off the security team by acting big willie style. Security could give a rats azz who you are or who you are with.
DO NOT show up with underage chicks and act like you aren't Chester stylin' it. If you are over 30 with an 18 year old... dude, c'mon now. Why bring her to a bar? You ain't her daddy.
DO NOT drive 2 hours to go to the party and get biatchy when club security asks you for an ID and its IN THE CAR. Dummy - ID/Bar - YOU NEED THEM! Lesson to the wise.
AND FINALLY - DO not EVER, and I mean EVER say, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM". I could care less who you are... Know why - I got the list. You don't and you STILL aren't on it.

Thank god F. was there - I had a blast with her and to mah girlz Ms. Assistant and her friend, the Jewelry Designer and Security Guy, John (and the cute bouncers).. and, for the record, Please NEVER let the Door Biatche wear 4" heels on a cobblestone street again :)

Posted by Lys :: 2:53 PM :: 0 comments

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Just Because...

Sunday, May 07, 2006