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Thursday, March 20, 2008

I know you only meant to say "HAI" this morning as you wiggled your antennae at me as I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. I honestly didn't mean to let out that bloodcurdling scream, but you startled me. See, we don't really see you or your extended family around my apartment because, in all seriousness, you are not welcome here. See - it has to do with the fact that you are much like your cousin, the cockyroach. Yes, I know you think you are all pretty with your amber colored shell and your flying ability - but your shenanigans were not (and are not) neighborly at all.

I thought I saw you the other night by the water heater but it was 4:30 in the morning and I was going on some serious lack of sleep. I thought I was seeing things. When I flipped on the light in the laundry room, you scurried about hiding from all the brightness you so despise. Now, I know you are all happy - there's lots of rain and construction in our complex - and lots of pipes for you to scurry up and visit the neighbors.

Last night, I saw my kitten look under the dark washer but I assured her that you were gone. Just to be safe, she had received her marching orders that, should she see you - to gut you like a pig. Yes, brutal, but that's what my Shadow does. She tortures. Because you, my non-friend, are not welcome in our house. Shadow was hesitating going to her litterbox but I assured her that you would NEVER step one of your many feetsies into her stinky haven.

This morning, however, was the last straw. You scurrying at rapid speed IN THE DAYLIGHT after your ambush "HAI" along the walls and my 12ft. ceilings knowing I couldn't reach you with the broom was not nice. Not nice at all. And I didn't appreciate your hiding maneuver behind the mirror behind THE BATHTUB knowing that we couldn't send your amber antennae butt packing.

What even horrified me more was your stealth maneuver into my beloved kitchen attacking my father. Sadly, my favorite espresso dishtowel perished in the defense against your scary scurry. And the maneuver under the fridge was not neighborly either. What's up with that? Not to mention, you directly threatened me by pulling your shenanigans alarmingly close to my ice coffee. What are you - mental? Do you not know I will hairspray your butt so quick your antennae will spin? Wait - that's right. You think you can do that in my house. Well no more.

So here's what's going to happen. The building is going to come in and exterminate your ass - but should you show yourself prior to them coming in, I'm packing an arsenal. I've got the broom, hairspray and RAID ready for you - and not just any RAID - EXTRA STRENGTH KILL YOU IN YOUR TRACKS RAID.

To be safe, I have to be upfront. There's a contract hit put out on you. Shadow, the HitKitty, will be paid handsomely for your demise. If she annihilates you, she receives a week of special pricey dinners (mussels and duck!) along with all the cookies she can handle, extra toys, a new collar and a bath (well - she's got the bath scheduled on Saturday but with a manicure too for good measure). When it comes to bribes, Shadow will listen - and she will gut to kill.

Because, I have to be honest - I don't appreciate your "HAI" attack first thing in the morning. I'm not a morning person.

Sincerely,

~The Wench in Altamonte

PS: Tell your cuzzos that they are worth the same fate should I ever see them around these parts too!

[Photo courtesy of ICanHasCheezburger.com - and this is MUCH cuter than what presented itself to me this morning]

Labels: Apt., Blog 365

Posted by Lys :: 8:45 AM :: 5 comments

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