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So Damaged...

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Just Because...
Just Because...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

So Damaged...

I heard this song about 2 months ago and it really resonated - because it's true. While I am NOT a fan of the group - this song just spoke volumes. They say that until one recognizes a problem, you are doomed to keep repeating the same pattern/behavior until its corrected.

Sadly, I think I said earlier, I have a habit of selling myself short - in life, in career and, most definitely, in relationships. I've taken a couple years from dating because I tend to gravitate to the same problem of dating azzhats. I don't know why - perhaps I want to keep repeating behavior from my first love, I don't know. Perhaps its a subconscious thing of thinking I would never meet another man like Nicky. Perhaps I'm just being my normal, obstinate stubborn self. I mean, c'mon. I am very picky. I don't feel like going head-first through another window in this lifetime. I had enough of that crap with Mark. I don't feel like dealing with verbal drama like I had with non-ex H. I don't want to deal with the available only when I am not available-ness I had with a certain individual who I choose to not communicate with. I just can't pinpoint ONE specific reason but I know I refuse to settle for anyone that happens to be around here. And, yes, my girlfriends joke that if I happen to perhaps like a guy who is not an azzhat - he might be *ahem* unavailable due to his predisposition to those of a different persuasion or religion. Hey - they won't let me live that down, but still. Also, as one of my gals, Malika, pointed out - I tend to assume that many of the people I encounter will bring some of the above behaviors to the table as well - whereby selling THEM short.

So in my decisions about dating have been lying dormant but this song made me think about what's going on in my psyche to have me push people away. I tend to do that when I'm wrapped in my shell and, if anything, that shell is cast away when I'm up north. If anything, this weekend has shown me is that I'm on the right path. I'm starting to get my "ducks in a row" and have a clearer view of what I do want and don't want in my life. By focusing so much on the negative, I surrounded myself with negative energy and I just don't have time for that mess. I also made the decision that I'm leaving it to the Man upstairs to put the right person in my path and just have faith. Plus - when it hits you, you don’t always see it coming.

Que sera sera, right?

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Posted by Lys :: 6:00 PM :: 1 comments

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