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Friday, October 21, 2005

In Grey's Anatomy this week, Meredith said to Dr. McDreamy aka Patrick Dempsey, "Hating you is exhausting". I rarely hate anything (except olives)... but to me, disliking someone can be exhausting as well.

I'm a Scorpio - its ingrained in our brains that one can hold issues F.O.R.E.V.E.R. However, I just don't have the time, energy or wherewithal to just deal with disliking someone so immensely that its toxic poison to me.

There's one person that I'm distinctly thinking of. Not only was this person just rude, annoying, using people for his own gain, etc., but this was only a facet of his personality that I was only exposed to in the last couple years of our "friendship". Mind you, I knew this guy since I was 12, so seeing this side really bothered me. We'll call him H.

I ran into some of his family and, after the recent announcement of his getting married, I got THOSE looks and the requisite "How are YOU doing?" and "Are You Okay?". What I really wanted to shout from the rafters is "YES I'm FINE! I'm GRATEFUL that he's marrying this girl because honestly I cannot tolerate him!". I even had one person say "You almost were Mrs. So and So". How annoyed was I. If they only knew him for what I saw.

Lets get some quick background. Before I left North for the sunny land of Disney, I left my friends, family and the love of my life (we'll call him "A.") behind. At the time, I didn't acknowledge that A. was the love of my life and wouldn't even tell him those dreaded 3 little words, but, after moving down here, I saw that yes, he was the one that got away. And I left him, almost converted to another religion (don't ask) for what? For H.? A tyrannical, condescending pain in the butt leech? A. wound up marrying someone else, went through some traumatic issues, came home and got divorced. We maintain our friendship to this day, however, that nagging "What If" feeling remained and, in all honesty, I despised H. for it. H. made it known that he didn't like A. The feeling was mutual and A. called H. a "doorknob" (along with a few other choice words, but we won't go into that today). H. is not part of my life anymore, but I'm now at the point where I can be civil and say, "you know what - you do your thing, I'll do mine and, out of respect for our mutual friends, we'll be civil and call it a day".

Last night, I wound up seeing a few things that brought back a ton of memories and I just got so sick of blaming others for some of my choices. I made the choice to come down here. I made the choice to pursue what I love and work in my chosen field. Unfortunately some things got sacrificed along the way but, at the end of the day, really, I exercised my free will and made my own decisions.

I know that I'm going to see A. in the next couple of months and I'm sure we'll have "that talk" where he will question YET AGAIN why I moved down here, we'll catch up and, like always, our friendship will pick up where we left off. We've been through this merry-go-round so many times, its routine. I didn't follow the theory of Carpe Diem and, by my own choice, I reap the results. As for H. - I wish him the best, but I just am so damn exhausted from disliking him that it is so not worth it anymore. Guess I can take down the dartboard, right?

Posted by Lys :: 6:15 PM :: 0 comments

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