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And The "What If?" Surfaces...

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Just Because...
Just Because...

Saturday, September 06, 2008

And The "What If?" Surfaces...

I made the mistake of watching Jarhead tonight on HBO. Bad idea – bad bad idea. FABULOUS movie – just not what I should be watching, especially with how I’ve been feeling lately and starting the healing process with A.

As I confessed earlier this week, I made the mistake of sending A. a Birthday note and got silence in return. You would think after all this time I would just GET a clue, but somehow I felt the need to just say hello.

I’ve said before how Meowmix used to always tell me that A. was not the same, especially since he returned from Iraq. Well, tonight, not only did this movie give me some insight and a different perspective to his letters and phone calls but also some realization on my part.

A part of my heart wanted to believe that A. would always be the same boy I met that first night we met at Annies in college, that same arrogant, pompous boy with the infectious smile. His smart ass remarks were on point with mine and he could match me move for move. When we decided to be friends and dated other people, we were still tight and he stood by my side during the whole Mark abuse saga. A. got along with [most of] my friends, Nick and he were cool and when Nick died, A. was there for me. Not to mention, A. did something that Mark never did – he believed in me.

A thought creeped into my head that I never allowed myself to entertain before - what if I never moved here? Would A. and I be together?

The weekend I moved down here, I drove with H. and as I was driving through Jacksonville, I got a disturbing phone call from A. At the time he was a cop and boy was he angry. I will never forget A’s reaction. A. screamed “Lys, WHAT THE EFF?!?!?!?! You are moving to ORLANDO? WHY? With HIM? [H. or as A. so affectionately referred to him as “Doorknob”] ARE YOU CRAZY?” Now I had left a message for him 2 weeks prior with his roommates so I presume that they finally told him. Man, H. had to listen to A. howlin’ through the phone and I just was silent the remainder of the ride to Orlando knowing that it was over then. It took 3 months for A. and me to talk again. When I found out he had gotten back with his ex girlfriend J., he remarked “Well, you don’t live here anymore. What was I supposed to do?” Thinking back, I should have told him off but seriously, what could I do? I had made a commitment and dammit, even then I wouldn’t admit defeat.

Again, it took time but we made sure to keep in touch, keep our friendship intact, especially while he was overseas. When he married J., it broke my heart and I remember breaking down at the studio thinking it could have been me, if only I didn’t move to Orlando to help H. with this project.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved doing PR and I always will. However, when H. would preach “Lys, we all have to sacrifice” and go on those tirades, sometimes I wondered if he understood the sacrifice I made. I left my family, my friends, missed the first years of Meowmix’s daughter’s life, Bec’s boys’ lives, and a man I LOVED for what? Granted, I did have opportunities here that I would NEVER trade and met people that I adore, but still, there’s that nagging “WHAT IF?”

Basically, seeing that movie just loosened up the flimsy stitches that were holding my heart together and a whole wave of emotions engulfed me. It made me think, “What if?” What if I never moved here? What if I just stayed up north? What would have happened? How different would my life be?

I opened up a box that I keep hidden in my room where I keep my journals from my college days and when I first moved here. Some of the entries made me laugh, some made me sad, some made me furious and some made me shake my head in wonder. And, in the back of one of the journals were not only the pics of Justine and Nick that I haven’t been able to locate but also my absolute favorite picture of A. Seeing his face just made it worse and I don’t even want to look at a videotape that I have in the box of all of us hanging out after shooting a pilot show for a business partner (though I really should transfer it to DVD – just don’t have the strength to do it).

Here’s something that is really bothering me - I wonder if this pain will always be here, even just a twinge and, if so, will it poison any future relationship I may have if I don’t deal with it now.

I don’t know if I will ever find that type of chemistry with another person like I had with A. We knew on a LOOK what the other was thinking. We could tell each other anything. He was one of my best friends. I trusted him explicitly and knew that he would always be there for me, in some form or another. Our paths crossed often enough for me to see that and no matter what happened, fate would toss one of us in the other’s path. However, he’s in Providence now and I’m here in Orlando. Our paths won’t be crossing and, even in today’s technology fueled world, A. is not handy with computers. It also is not a secret that he and J. divorced and he didn’t deal well with his return to civilization from active duty. He’s not the same person I gave my heart to, but a different shell of a person who’s been to hell and back.

Again, I’m just venting. I don’t know what the future holds for me but somehow I have to realize that A. won’t be a part of my future, just my past. And, for that, I have to wonder, was moving here worth it? I guess I’ll never know.

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Posted by Lys :: 5:19 AM :: 1 comments

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